IN THIS ISSUE:
S. A. Victory >>
Alice Lundy Blum >>
Natallia Meleshkevich >>
A Night In Key Largo
Twist and Shout
I really think God has a sense of humor. Maybe up in heaven the
celestial television line-up was in rerun season, so God decided to
watch a reality show called “Tad and Gail try Couples Yoga!” Cue the
Zen music, run the opening credits.
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The plot of the show is based around an aging
married couple that willingly goes to a trendy, yuppie-infused yoga
studio in St. Louis Park. The agenda for that evening was to attempt
yoga, as a couple, while ignoring creaky bones, a lack of flexibility,
and decidedly un-hip workout clothes. Who knew a person could buy a
t-shirt large enough to cover an SUV in the winter and a woman’s body
at a yoga studio? Ahhhhh... jiggling, sweat absorbing comfort! Thank
you, Le-Fruit of the Loom!
Upon arrival, a perky attendant informs the
tardy couple (little miscommunication on the location of the class…
another story…) that the yoga session has just started, so, change and
go on in. Uh, change? Don’t think so. What you see is what you get.
Besides, the voluminous T-shirt would have required more than one
locker space, and that would be rude. As the timid couple creep quietly
into the yoga room, young bendable couples turn and stare at AARP’s
finest. Thus acknowledged, Tad and Gail find a nice corner to use.
Throwing yoga mats upon the gleaming floor; (because bending would be
too taxing), Gail and Tad seek direction as to what would come next.
Tanya, the evening’s yogi, encourages couples
to volunteer as she needs to demonstrate movements. Riiiight. Volunteer
to be a Gumby couple. Nowhere in the flyer did it say that participants
were expected to have the elastic bodies of young Chinese acrobats.
Nowhere. Yet couple after couple began contorting into geometric shapes
that defied names, let alone human form.
Nonetheless, Tad and Gail gazed lovingly into
each other’s eyes, held hands, and attempted to do an airplane move.
Somehow Gail’s hipbones did not adhere to Tad’s up thrust feet. Doing
his best wood-tick-on-its-back imitation, Tad flailed about has Gail
tried to soar into the air via the hip/foot support system. Her body
went sort of up, sort of up, then definitely down, definitely down.
Fortunately, there was no little black box in the ensuing plane crash,
because celestial television does not permit the seven words even
earthly television frowns on.
Despite the wreckage, Tad and Gail gamely
moved on with the program. They twisted into a human “M”, tried a
warrior’s pose that more closely resembled a rheumatic dry-hump, and
somehow managed to make the tree pose look like it had a Dutch Elm
infestation. Wiping away the sweat, er, physical glow, Tad produced his
biggest, bestest, grin. “Gail, we have got to do this again! It was so
The next day, as even the tiniest movement
created spasms of pain in muscles protesting the asana’s from hell, Tad
still eagerly insisted couple’s yoga was a wonderful date-night. Gail
tried to nod, but it hurt too much. She settled for whispering, “Lub ew
…” but then stopped because her lips hurt too. At this point God shut
off the television. It was getting too mushy.
Gail Gates is
a senior in First College on course to graduate in May. Her interests
run towards writing, photography, and gardening, but she hopes to earn
actual money while working within the Integrated Health and Healing