Haute Dish The Arts & Literature Magazine of Metropolitan State University Icicles
Spring 2005


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rapture leaves rome's cats unfed
By Josiah Titus

NEW YORK -- Using satellite imaging the Pentagon has confirmed veterinarian’s worst fears: Jesus took with him the entire human population of Rome during last week’s rapture and thousands of cats are now roaming the streets helplessly. The CIA has not released the images to the public yet but they have confirmed that the pictures show massive feline movement throughout the ancient city.

Reacting to the news the New York chapter of “Veterinarian’s Without Borders” has deployed a small army of doctors and seven-year-old girls “Who just really love cats” to Vatican City. They’re expected to arrive in Rome late this afternoon and will soon thereafter begin undertaking the largest animal-evacuation in recorded history.

“This is what we’ve been training for,” said Dr. Stevens a member of the deployed troop of vets, “We are all a little excited and a little scared, too. It’s not as easy as rescuing dogs, you know. Dogs you can call to and they will come to you, cats are stubborn and will hide and then we have to go and smoke them out of their holes.”

A visibly bitter President Bush, who remains adamant that he should have been amongst the people who Jesus took with him during last week’s rapture, dubbed the veterinarian’s rescue efforts “Operation Frisky Freedom” and promised his full “resolvedness” and “commitmentanism” in getting the job done.

“We’re lucky to have a president who believes in giving every cat—no matter the color of its fur—the same opportunity it would have in America,” said Dr. Winters, another member of the deployed vets. “I can’t imagine,” he continued, “having a president who is wishy-washy or flip-floppy in his commitment to helping these left-behind creatures.”

Later that night, David Letterman and Jay Leno used their opening monologues to poke fun of the operation’s title with jokes like; “I thought the eight-years of Clinton’s presidency was Operation Frisky Freedom,” and, “I guess Republicans are frisky and frugal.”

The cat-lady from around the corner has offered to take-in the displaced cats saying, “If the Pope can’t feed them then I will.”

After the satellite imaging results were announced, animal rights activists asked the CIA to also take surveillance of the Gaza Strip in an effort to look for left-behind stray dogs. The CIA said that they would consider the request but President Bush stepped in and said, “The Israeli’s are Jews who don’t believe in Jesus and the Palestinian’s are a bunch of terrorists and Jesus wouldn’t want them either.”

The global community was outraged by the President’s insensitive remarks and Bush was forced to send Collin Powel to the UN to show evidence of Israelis being Jews and Palestinians being terrorists.

In cooperation with the UN, the International Red Cross has built seven refugee camps in Spain and Switzerland. “We haven’t overlooked a thing,” said Gene Meyers, a spokeswoman for the Red Cross and project manager of the camps. “Let’s see,” she continued, “We’ve got scratching posts, tuna, milk, litter boxes and lots and lots of catnip.”

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