Serena Mira Asta
Alice Lundy Blum
Golf Parody of the Immortal, Everlasting One
Can athletes ever be immortal?
Golf’s grand-slam finale, at Minnesota’s Hazelnut, began in shambles
for Eldred Lion Forest, when he received heartbreaking news. Before
first day’s action, Lion’s father, who suffered from Melodanoma, a
deadly form of the melodramatics, feignedly spoke over the phone:
simply win one for dad, before his death.
Lion, inspired by his own mortality, entered Hazelnut and played
himself out of contention. Yes, Lion, the comeback kid (who usually
played poorly on purpose), barely made several days’ ending cuts. Bouts
of crying spells lagged throughout his play. Lion could not hide his
legitimate sunkenhearted feelings for his father’s passing. Yes,
legitimate (because if you’ve seen Lion’s thirst-quenching ads, you
already know, he could not act himself out of a damp paper bag). Purely
Lion would not dare fake his downtrodden play this severely, as finding
himself down seventeen strokes from the leader, Phil Winkelson.
For Lion, Sunday’s thirteenth hole marked the begging of his
insurmountable and improbable comeback at Hazelnut. In prior day’s
action, Lion had shaved the deficit from fourteen strokes to eleven
strokes (since Sunday’s golf was approaching prime-time television, it
was only inevitable that Lion would feel the determination needed to
succeed). On the thirteenth fairway, he sliced his shot near the water
hazard’s edge. After an endless barrage of commercials featuring Lion
Forest, the action ensued. Lion sized the situation. He got ankle deep
near the cattails and tall grass, determining what club to use, when
out of nowhere, an alligator snapped from the cattails and relentlessly
started attacking Lion.
Afterward, Lion did sink the shot, but he suffered a foot avulsion and piercing torso wounds.
Most mortal golfers would give up. Not Lion!
Nope, no way would he halt his father’s request to win (especially after he shaved the lead down several strokes)!
For hole fourteen, Lion stood on one foot (since the alligator, despite
alligators not being indigenous to the Minnesotan suburbs, attacked his
other foot), and got a hole-in-one.
When you could not imagine golf becoming anymore equipped with personal
obstacles to overcome, the fifteenth hole would bring one of Lion’s
toughest challenges on this remarkable golf day. By firearm, Phil
Winkelson, the tournament’s overall leader, held Lion’s wife and his
two children for ransom. On the fifteenth’s green, Phil held the gun to
Lion’s children and added more insult to Lion by placing his foot over
Despite the SWAT team’s helicopter blades generating swirling winds,
Lion stood, one-legged. Before he tapped the ball, a police siren
sounded, which would have given anyone the yips, but not Lion Forest.
The ball traveled awkwardly by the winds, swirling and spiraling
aimlessly, before hitting Phil’s groin and causing Phil to recoil,
firing his gun. As the bullet hit Lion’s left arm, Phil’s foot stepped
off the hole.
The ball went in.
Phil died from multiple rescue units’ rounds aimed at his neck’s
jugular veins. Lion went onto the sixteenth hole, trailing a new leader
by three strokes and ended the hole trailing by two strokes.
Before his second shot on hole seventeen, paramedics ushered Lion off
on a gurney to a stationed, golf course medical tent. The medics
amputated his leg for gangrene fear and stopped the profuse bleeding
from his gunshot wound. Then medics had to place Lion’s wounded arm
into a sling. Despite doctors’ numerous pleas for Lion to stop playing
in the tournament and/or seek immediate psychiatric care, Lion hopped
off the table and rolled, yes, rolled like a somersalt down the
seventeenth’s hills into position to where his ball laid. Only Lion,
the legend, could shave the lead down to one stroke, with one hole
On the eighteenth hole as the ball landed on the green, Lion fell and died.
His soul carried onward, escaping to meet with his Father. They
embraced in the sky. Then, his Father’s soul yelled. He nagged,
complained and demanded Lion not to be a hissy and renege on his last
wishes. He told Lion to reenter his decomposing body and win the
Without hesitation, he reincarnated into his original body. Lion’s
deformed skeleton rolled toward the ball. As the buzzards swarmed from
above, Lion could actually and did actually turn immortal, at Hazelnut
Golf Course. Retold for generations to come (via re-run broadcasts on
the Golfing Cable Network channel), Lion’s put went in.
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Joshua Fischer is
a satirist. His writing is humorous and tender, separately or both at
the same time. He is the purple Yoda born in Minneapolis,
Minnesota!—(that’s taken from a song lyric by you-know-who!)