Roshelle Amundson

Serena Mira Asta

Terry Bebertz

James Byrne

Joshua Fischer

Gail Gates

James Henderson

Adam Hill

Peter Laine

Alice Lundy Blum

Tawny Michels

Dawn Nissen-Schachtner

Altamish Osman

Rebekah Pahr

January Rain

Sally Reynolds

Donna Ronning

Jer Rucinski

Jake Ryan

Kah Shepard

Laura Sourdif

Cat Usher

Jonah Volheim

Golf Parody of the Immortal, Everlasting One

Can athletes ever be immortal?

Golf’s grand-slam finale, at Minnesota’s Hazelnut, began in shambles for Eldred Lion Forest, when he received heartbreaking news. Before first day’s action, Lion’s father, who suffered from Melodanoma, a deadly form of the melodramatics, feignedly spoke over the phone: simply win one for dad, before his death.
Lion, inspired by his own mortality, entered Hazelnut and played himself out of contention. Yes, Lion, the comeback kid (who usually played poorly on purpose), barely made several days’ ending cuts. Bouts of crying spells lagged throughout his play. Lion could not hide his legitimate sunkenhearted feelings for his father’s passing. Yes, legitimate (because if you’ve seen Lion’s thirst-quenching ads, you already know, he could not act himself out of a damp paper bag). Purely Lion would not dare fake his downtrodden play this severely, as finding himself down seventeen strokes from the leader, Phil Winkelson.

For Lion, Sunday’s thirteenth hole marked the begging of his insurmountable and improbable comeback at Hazelnut. In prior day’s action, Lion had shaved the deficit from fourteen strokes to eleven strokes (since Sunday’s golf was approaching prime-time television, it was only inevitable that Lion would feel the determination needed to succeed). On the thirteenth fairway, he sliced his shot near the water hazard’s edge. After an endless barrage of commercials featuring Lion Forest, the action ensued. Lion sized the situation. He got ankle deep near the cattails and tall grass, determining what club to use, when out of nowhere, an alligator snapped from the cattails and relentlessly started attacking Lion.

Afterward, Lion did sink the shot, but he suffered a foot avulsion and piercing torso wounds.

Most mortal golfers would give up. Not Lion!

Nope, no way would he halt his father’s request to win (especially after he shaved the lead down several strokes)!
For hole fourteen, Lion stood on one foot (since the alligator, despite alligators not being indigenous to the Minnesotan suburbs, attacked his other foot), and got a hole-in-one.

When you could not imagine golf becoming anymore equipped with personal obstacles to overcome, the fifteenth hole would bring one of Lion’s toughest challenges on this remarkable golf day. By firearm, Phil Winkelson, the tournament’s overall leader, held Lion’s wife and his two children for ransom. On the fifteenth’s green, Phil held the gun to Lion’s children and added more insult to Lion by placing his foot over the hole.

Despite the SWAT team’s helicopter blades generating swirling winds, Lion stood, one-legged. Before he tapped the ball, a police siren sounded, which would have given anyone the yips, but not Lion Forest.

The ball traveled awkwardly by the winds, swirling and spiraling aimlessly, before hitting Phil’s groin and causing Phil to recoil, firing his gun. As the bullet hit Lion’s left arm, Phil’s foot stepped off the hole.

The ball went in.

Phil died from multiple rescue units’ rounds aimed at his neck’s jugular veins. Lion went onto the sixteenth hole, trailing a new leader by three strokes and ended the hole trailing by two strokes.

Before his second shot on hole seventeen, paramedics ushered Lion off on a gurney to a stationed, golf course medical tent. The medics amputated his leg for gangrene fear and stopped the profuse bleeding from his gunshot wound. Then medics had to place Lion’s wounded arm into a sling. Despite doctors’ numerous pleas for Lion to stop playing in the tournament and/or seek immediate psychiatric care, Lion hopped off the table and rolled, yes, rolled like a somersalt down the seventeenth’s hills into position to where his ball laid. Only Lion, the legend, could shave the lead down to one stroke, with one hole left.

On the eighteenth hole as the ball landed on the green, Lion fell and died.
   
His soul carried onward, escaping to meet with his Father. They embraced in the sky. Then, his Father’s soul yelled. He nagged, complained and demanded Lion not to be a hissy and renege on his last wishes. He told Lion to reenter his decomposing body and win the tournament.

Without hesitation, he reincarnated into his original body. Lion’s deformed skeleton rolled toward the ball. As the buzzards swarmed from above, Lion could actually and did actually turn immortal, at Hazelnut Golf Course. Retold for generations to come (via re-run broadcasts on the Golfing Cable Network channel), Lion’s put went in.
      

 

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Joshua Fischer is a satirist. His writing is humorous and tender, separately or both at the same time. He is the purple Yoda born in Minneapolis, Minnesota!—(that’s taken from a song lyric by you-know-who!)